Why am I so insecure?
At times, I get anxious about the reasons unknown to my mind. I have a constant fear of living in a judgemental world where I am ridiculed everywhere. People often say that I’m sweet. I don’t want to believe it. Because what I hear is, “Hey, you’re always available to be my emotional dumpster. I would care if you die because no one is foolish enough to listen to me all the time.”
I have a fear of constantly being judged. Since the start, I have been told without words that I am not supposed to make a big deal of my issues, be they physical or mental (what even are mental issues? Hush! They don’t exist). My family says I should find myself beautiful because I am. I look at myself, and all I can hear is, “dude, your eyes are a little big for your face.”, “you should use fairness creams maybe, that would make you so much more beautiful with those features”, “you don’t have a good enough nose ew.”
One day, I got, “Hey, you’re gorgeous. And you’re sexy!” I was amazed at the remarks, but I couldn’t figure out why they were followed by, “send me a pic of your privates. I would love to look at them, please, little sis.” I didn’t feel good about it. I didn’t send and refused, but soon it moved from the phone to my home, and I was used, as a guinea pig, satisfying every curiosity of the guy by giving him access to my privates for his experiments, from fingers to glue sticks. I could never figure out what happened. “You’re beautiful. You should know. You should not worry about anything. I’m here. Do as I say, and you’re good to go.” Hearing people calling me beautiful should have given me confidence. But more than that, it increased my anxiety. It increased my fear of trusting people, letting my guard down, staying with them for too long. I wouldn’t say I liked it, so I gathered up the little treasure of my courage and said no. And it stopped. It stopped, and I cried and cried and cried for days, and then months, then years. Did I give out a vibe that I was easy to fool?
I tried to reach for help, and all I got was, “Hahahaha, listen, girl, I could have made fun of you for ending up in that situation. Be thankful that I’m keeping it a secret. Your rep is in my hands; you should know.”
“I don’t want to live like that. I need to work towards bringing my life together.” So I did.
I won’t say I’m “not okay” now. I don’t get triggered when people call me sexy or hot. I don’t feel like everyone is out there to get me, but I have my days. Days when it feels like my fear of living in a world where I could get raped again and again never ended. Days when I want to curl up in my blanket and cry my eyes out. When I want to peel my skin off and get a new cover because that is how disgusted I am, I want to get out of it. I really do. And presently, I am struggling with finding an end to it.